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Self-Worth, The Only Tool for Life Satisfaction
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Self-Worth, The Only Tool for Life Satisfaction

Vision Relationships Communication

This article is about a concept that steered my life back on track. A tool that significantly helped me overcome chronic dissatisfaction, procrastination, and indecision.

I was stuck with an unfulfilling job, mediocre relationships, and an immature mindset. Things weren’t necessarily bad, but life felt merely “good enough”, instead of “great”. And I didn’t want to settle for mediocrity till death. 

Since my teenage years, I have been reading books, taking courses and workshops – fostering an illusion of my growth.

I was certainly learning new knowledge. But this kept the pain of inaction low enough to prevent me from making real changes.

In my late 30s, the pain became too strong. I was terrified of dying dissatisfied with mediocre life. I pushed hard to understand what was happening.

With help of many mentors (writers, leaders, friends, inspiring people) I found the problem:

  • I don’t take my life seriously
  • I don’t take care of me
  • I lack self-worth

When I realized this, it was a game changer. Self-worth proved to be the best metric to measure options with. The ultimate decision-making tool. The end of procrastination. The beginning of feeling good (at times).

I completely switched careers. In the morning I feel eager to work. I have an amazing romantic relationship, a great community around me, and an athletic, pain-free body (still no hair tho).

I could write a hundred pages on how important self-worth is and how it influences every area of life, but I won’t. You can find out for yourself. In fact, it’s the only way because self-worth is gained by action, not by intellectual understanding.

Here is a guide on how to start building self-worth – right now.

This article is about a concept that steered my life back on track. A tool that significantly helped me overcome chronic dissatisfaction, procrastination, and indecision.

I was stuck with an unfulfilling job, mediocre relationships, and an immature mindset. Things weren’t necessarily bad, but life felt merely “good enough”, instead of “great”. And I didn’t want to settle for mediocrity till death. 

Since my teenage years, I have been reading books, taking courses and workshops – fostering an illusion of my growth.

I was certainly learning new knowledge. But this kept the pain of inaction low enough to prevent me from making real changes.

In my late 30s, the pain became too strong. I was terrified of dying dissatisfied with mediocre life. I pushed hard to understand what was happening.

With help of many mentors (writers, leaders, friends, inspiring people) I found the problem:

  • I don’t take my life seriously
  • I don’t take care of me
  • I lack self-worth

When I realized this, it was a game changer. Self-worth proved to be the best metric to measure options with. The ultimate decision-making tool. The end of procrastination. The beginning of feeling good (at times).

I completely switched careers. In the morning I feel eager to work. I have an amazing romantic relationship, a great community around me, and an athletic, pain-free body (still no hair tho).

I could write a hundred pages on how important self-worth is and how it influences every area of life, but I won’t. You can find out for yourself. In fact, it’s the only way because self-worth is gained by action, not by intellectual understanding.

Here is a guide on how to start building self-worth – right now.

What Is Self-Worth

Self-worth means how much I truly believe I deserve to be taken care of (by myself, and in general).

Definition isn’t that important as intellectual sauce isn’t enough action-provoking. Self-worth is a term, a concept, a framework – a tool, nothing more. I use the word to help me transfer information. The important thing is the outcome – positive change of behavior.

Self-worth is measured through feelings and reflected in behavior.

  1. Does it feel good to be me?
  2. Does my behavior reflect that I take care of myself?

This happens when I lack self-worth:

  • I know things that aren’t good for me, and do them anyway – I procrastinate, drink alcohol, vape nicotine, play video games, watch porn
  • I feel ashamed of my actions – I wouldn’t want my role models to know this about me
  • I feel weird receiving a compliment – I diminish it, instead of saying just “thank you”
  • people seem threatening to me, so I despise them
  • my motivation to do hard things is to avoid pain, not to create joy
  • I am unsure of my decisions and seek validation from others
  • I say YES to people and activities, and regret that afterwards
  • I have chronic tension in my body (stress, pain), people feel tension being around me
  • it doesn’t feel good to be me (I wouldn’t recommend transforming into me)
  • I feel uncomfortable saying “I love you Tomas” to myself in a mirror

But when I take care of myself, I feel pleasurable calm energy. It is satisfying to interact with the world. When feeling worthy, it’s nice to be me. I feel free, powerful, courageous, excited and connected. It feels safe to be seen vulnerable.

It feels like: “What a beautiful day to be alive!” Even if things that are outside of my control suck, I am able to hold my head high.

Why Self-Worth over Other Concepts

I was overwhelmed with information.

Self-coaching questions of T. Ferriss, scientific tips of A. Huberman, polarity of D. Deida, practical tone of M. Manson, Jungian psychology, stoicism, tons of mindfulness practices, tantra philosophy, dozens of eastern approaches, and much more.

There are too many options to consider. I just need one to get back to. One metric, with one question to ask myself. Broad knowledge is nice, but clarity is more practical.

All these philosophies, concepts and viewpoints exist since we were always looking for how to feel better. I’ve found that every piece of advice that works, both originates from and leads back to self-worth.

Self-worth is both a condition and a trigger for the most valuable good feeling – life satisfaction.

Reasoning why:

  1. Happiness and satisfaction comes from within. Only internal validation works, external validation is conditional and fragile.
  2. Good news: You are in your zone of influence – you can change yourself! (you can’t change others, you can’t change circumstances).
  3. With self-worth you individualize your life setup, for you. There is no universal “good life” blueprint. Same question for everyone, and colorful answers.

Experience of self-worthy you:

  • you have deep loving connections (self-relationship determines the upper limit of quality of all other relationships, even to your kids)
  • you know yourself – your needs, wishes, happy-making activities, and purpose (you grant yourself all necessary time to explore this)
  • you don’t procrastinate, because the joy of living your self-created purpose is greater than pleasure from distractions
  • you don’t dwell in perfectionism and workaholism, as your discipline is not shame-driven and you know the value of relaxation and fun
  • you are decisive, because you don’t need to confirm your opinions outside of you
  • you move and nourish your body, as body is the gateway to all experience and beauty
  • you are able to appreciate your past (good and bad) as necessary part of your journey that brought you here
  • you are able to ask for help

How To Build Self-Worth (3 – Step Method)

Self-worth is increased by taking action (behavior change).

Taking action is a change in status quo = change of experience. You can’t change your self-worth just by thinking or imagining. I had to experience myself differently before I could feel and think about myself differently. 

Action means activity, but also mindfulness, harm avoidance, and seeking support.

Aim is to know which are the “right” actions for you and then mix the right combination adjusted for you. To do this, follow these 3 steps:

1. Notice -> 2. Assess -> 3. Schedule

Step 1: Notice

Notice how your experiences feel.

If we were 100% self-aware, we would know what is right for us to do. But no one is, so we have to test and experience things. Feedback of our body is far more intelligent than analysis of our mind.

During (and after) your experiences throughout the day, notice how you feel. Pay attention to your body – its sensations, tensions, tingling, etc. 

Close your eyes for a moment and ask yourself a simple question: Does this (action/behavior) feel right for me? 

Let your mind be still, you don’t need logic here. Notice your pelvic floor, stomach, chest, neck, and heart. Do you experience excitement, opening, calm, or contraction, tension, tightening? 

Start with emotionally charged experiences (both good and bad). This way you become more familiar with how your clear YES and clear NO feels in your body. Check this guide on “Whole Body Yes” from Tim Ferriss podcast.

Step 2: Assess

Assess and sort your experiences into one of these 3 categories:

Clear YES

  • energy giving
  • typical feelings: love, excitement, joy, peace, calm, nice warm sensation
  • typical actions: sleep, making love, conscious breathing, walking, exercise, creation, boundary setting, journaling, suitable meditation

Life satisfaction lies in your ability to spend as much time as possible in the clear YES category.

Clear NO

  • energy exhausting
  • typical feelings: shame, guilt, disgust
  • typical actions: addictive behaviors (intoxication, gaming, junkfood, porn), procrastination, emotional and physical violence

Don’t negotiate with yourself and remove these things one by one from your schedule. It’s not easy, but you wouldn’t include these in the life of someone you are responsible for, would you?

UNCLEAR

  • energy draining
  • might feel like: confusion, sigh, anger, tension, temporary relief, they usually feel like “I should do this”, or “this is expected of me”
  • actions here are very individual, they might look like: taking responsibility for emotions of others, working a wrong job, staying in a dysfunctional relationships, saying Yes while feeling like No, being silent about your wishes and needs

The UNCLEAR category is most important to address. This is the life destroyer. This makes lives mediocre, sad, dissatisfied, confused, indecisive and stuck. Here lies the reason why we don’t have energy and discipline to clean up our clear Yes-s and No-s.

Why do we do such things? We prefer safety over happiness. Almost always actions in this category are fear driven.

People choose familiar misery over unknown opportunity.

We are confused because our mind, which tries to keep us safe, is suggesting one thing and our body, which is our connection to the soul, says otherwise. This causes existential friction.

Our mind is designed to make us survive, not to make us happy.

We are also conditioned by society about what we “should” do, usually mimicking parents and peers. But self-worth is discovering and living up to your own standards. 

Fear disappointing yourself, no other judge is relevant.

Lot of actions in this category might seem logically right, but are absolutely wrong for us. If you need logical arguments for defending doing something, instead of simply “I just want this / It feels right”, it probably belongs to NO category.

It takes a bit of practice to recognize “Yes” and “No” signals, but once you get more attuned to your body, you will start to feel and see things clearly. 

Your task is to empty this category. Put attention to unclear experiences and move them to YES or NO category.

Support Actions

Some things just need to be done to enable your YES actions. They don’t make you dance in joy, but are necessary to do.

Cleaning, changing a diaper, having a temporary second job to support a new career, attending a family celebration, etc.

If it needs to be done, it’s a YES action. Accept it, embrace it.

Step 3: Schedule

Look at your daily schedule and:

  • add more YES actions
  • remove the NO actions
  • clean up UNCLEAR actions
  • test and add new untried YES actions

You don’t have to do it all at once, or you will get overwhelmed.

Set one small goal for the day. This could be:

  • complete a simple task
  • decrease time doing harmful action by 10 minutes
  • close eyes for 30 seconds and feel into one UNCLEAR experience of that day
  • take first lesson of a new hobby

One small step at a time will create a massive compound effect. Even a short walk outside makes a difference in how you feel about yourself. It is undeniable proof that you are worthy of your care.

The more care you give yourself, the more you can give to others.

6 Important Notes

  • Do each YES action in moderation. You are already good enough. Every being has inherent value. Unconditional to any metric. You are not your worked hours count, bank account, body count, or any count.
  • Self-worth does not require being perfect, because nobody is. What’s important is the honesty to admit you can improve and the willingness to work on it. Making an effort is what counts. Compare effort not outcome.
  • You should compare yourself to your past self and to nobody else. We all have our own path of growth, our own set of circumstances. 
  • The one question when making a decision: What would I do if I loved myself?
  • Ask for help when needed. It is not shameful. Letting someone help you is a blessing for both of you.
  • Content of this article is only as valuable as it is practical. Use it. Change something.

Summary

Take care of yourself.

Notice how you feel doing stuff -> do what feels right -> avoid what does not -> try new things.

Action to Do Now (takes 12 mins)

  • identify 3 YES actions (1 min)
  • schedule into calendar 30 min of any YES actions for tomorrow (1 min)
  • spend 10 minutes engaging in any YES action right now (10 min)

  1. Invent your own definition that will resonate with you emotionally and push you to action.
  2. You can inspire and pull others by being an example.
  3. Exception: it is lived by self-worthy individuals.
  4. Or the pain of not living it.
  5. Something like: “I'll stay in this dysfunctional relationship, because it feels nice to have a bedfellow / because it is impossible to find someone great these days / because he/she is nice and supports me,...
  6. Iterations: What would I do if I was responsible for my well being? What would I advise to my best buddy in my situation? What would I advise to my innocent child?
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